We were married for two years and eight months, when we found out we were going to have a baby.
Hours before finding out the wonderful news, we had been in a fight. But it wasn’t one of the usual fights like a misunderstanding, or a “I forgot to do something I said I would do” kind of fight. It was different. I felt something strange between us, I saw something different in his eyes.
When you’re young newlyweds, everyday that goes by makes you feel proud and kind of grown-up like. Going on three years felt like eternity, I believed I had it all figured out.
At least I thought I did?
There between us hung a web of deceit, a thread of lies that had no beginning or end. Pornography offered an invitation into our marriage, my husband accepted.
Maybe you’re wondering why I would share such a personal part of our life? Maybe your eyes and ears perked up because you know what I’m talking about. Maybe some of you might even think, “What’s the big deal.”
I do not apologize for voicing my thoughts, beliefs, and views. I have taken a strong stance against pornography due to the destructive nature it had on my life, our marriage, and our kids.
Finding out that Tony viewed pornography, catapulted me out of my ideals of this marriage and into our reality. I don’t mean to sound naïve. I was a girl seized by sexual abuse and hidden behind the veils of Christianity.
I was familiar with hidden sins and the price they cost the innocent.
I confronted him, he lied, and lied some more. We must have spent hours getting the truth out.
My past was no longer behind me, it had come to join our union. This was 1988, no one really talked about pornography let alone called it “an addiction.” In fact when I thought of pornography I thought of some really sick weirdo in some back alley looking through a magazine of naked girls.
That was not my husband. He was handsome, kind, and loving. He played on the worship team at church and he was about to be a daddy. He didn’t fit the description in my mind, so how could he do this?
Why would he do this?
I hope you are not feeling uncomfortable as I continue to unfold this story?
I remember Tony tried to apologize over and over, telling me he would never do it again. I sat in a seat of rage for the first time in my life and our marriage.
I grew up in a house where we were never allowed to show unpleasant emotions, that was my father’s role. We were never allowed to voice thoughts or opinions or disagree with our parents. My father ruled with an iron fist and my mother was fearful and angry on any given day.
Here I was consumed by raw emotions, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was so angry and unsure what I was supposed to do with the violence inside of me. Like a volcano, my anger poured out of me; destroying the very one in front of me.
That was the beginning of my deep anger surfacing. I had become so accustom to putting on a happy face and trying to make things work, I had no idea how angry I really was.
I retreated to the corner of the room, sweat and tears streaming down my face I covered my eyes in shame, my heart cried out to make sense of this.
I sobbed… Why????
“Our life was good, why did he have to ruin it.”
It was that day our lives took a turn. The pain that I felt went so deep it seemed impossible to hurt that bad. I no longer was his one and only.
My fractured heart cried… Choose me.
The words of promise sailed through my thoughts like a ship set out to sea.
“Forsaking all others be faithful to only her for as long as you both shall live.”
That day he broke my heart, I never looked at him the same.
He feared the girl who let out her roar and I always doubted his words. We tried to make up and find forgiveness but through the years my husband continued to pollute his mind.
The sacred place of our marriage bed was now a place of selfish expectations. I once thought I was beautiful and lovely to him, now filled with insecurities and judgments against myself. He sunk deeper into the pit of immorality and I tended to my anger, growing a garden of bitter roots.
Hebrews 2:15 “See to it that no one come short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness, springing up, cause you trouble, and by it many be defiled?”
Nine years had passed since that cruel day. Four precious babies had been born to us. We celebrated the highs in our family, trying to make it a happy home. But we were falling apart so slowly we didn’t even know it.
One of the saddest things in life is when you realize that the people you call friends have no idea the secrets you keep. We had a lot of friends and yet we were so isolated, it was like being in a crowd and nobody saw us.
But God did.
The very God we talk about, and sing about, is the very God who sees. There is nothing hidden from him. Hebrews 4:13 – “Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable.”
He saw my brokenness and he heard my heart crying and he answered me.
I don’t know where you are in your marriage, I don’t know the struggles you face daily. But God is offering himself to you and he is wanting you to step out of the darkness and into the light.
I once read a quote that said… “You are only as sick as your secrets.”
Ask yourself this question out loud.
“Who am I… REALLY ?”
Whatever you are facing in your life or in your marriage, I’m praying for you. Don’t allow secrets to cast a shadow on a life worth living, come out of the darkness.
You are the healer of our souls. Bring your salvation to all who find themselves wanting you and needing you. Father, give us courage to step out of the darkness. The darkness binds us with lies and tricks us into believing that we are okay just as long as we put on a smile and make everything seem happy. But you know God, you know everything about us . I pray that you bring peace to those who are hurting and send the help they need as you set their captive hearts free in Jesus name I pray, Amen.
His Power Will Set You Free,