She stood in the middle of the room. The things she had been carrying around her whole life were now scattered on the floor in front of her. The weight had become too heavy to bear. Life had been hard and painful but somehow she found herself getting up and moving on day after day.
Letting go of these things made her body feel lighter, but the weight of her heart pulled her down to the cold floor as she tried to make sense of everything
“How did I get here?” the words echoed in her thoughts.
She had been struggling with her belief in God.
She reached into the ruins to find the memories of her childhood. The smell of her innocence lost, lingered. The bruises no longer stained purple on her legs and arms but still her heart ached.
Under the rubble laid the girl she had been hiding, lost in her shame, not wanting to be found. The lies fell heavy like rain, the clouds encompassing her like a blanket; unable to see through the fog she had been living in.
Where are you God?
She continued to reach into the pile and remove the pieces of her life to salvage anything she could, wanting to find hope that not all had been lost. The harsh words spoken over her had become the melody in her head. The song she sung for years told her it was the reason she is the person she had become.
While removing a fragment of something she didn’t recognize, she held it close turning it upside down and right side up. It seemed familiar but not. A strong wind had blown the window open, stirring up the dust that laid heavy around her. She shut her eyes tight as she held her breath waiting for everything to be calm again. She took her shirt and wiped the dirt from the object trying to read the inscription.
“Mercy in the middle.”
Her eyes began to fill with tears she remembered her grandmother giving her this brass heart on her eighth birthday along with a letter. She didn’t want to feel the pain again of losing her grandmother. Gripping the heart close to her own she remembered her grandmother’s words.
I love you more than life itself, I love watching you grow and I pray for you everyday. You won’t really understand this letter now but if one day when you’re older and you find that you’ve lost your way, remember God’s mercy is in the middle of all your pain.”
She began to sob, life had gotten so complicated she found her self running from her pain and masking her shame. It seemed like every decision she had made drew a heavy blow. She kicked the pile in front of her sending the mass scattering everywhere making it more obvious to see what she had been carrying around for all those years.
She looked over to the corner as pride reared its ugly head, demanding that she stop crying and feeling sorry for herself. “Get up!” pride shouted, “You don’t need this, you don’t need anyone!” She wanted to get up, she wanted to trash everything but she was too tired.
She remembered being stubborn, every time someone tried to help her or encourage her she would shut them down because she was not going to allow anyone to tell her what to do and how to do it.
She read the engraved brass again “Mercy in the middle.”
The boyfriends she allowed to use her body so she could feel loved, grew the hatred in her heart. The Abuse from her father and the day her mother left, sent her running hard through life. She used drinking to numb her pain, she was the life of the party that way. She struggled to push away the stories her grandmother taught her of the God who loved her and had great plans for her.
Everything she had done in her life took her further away from the truth until she was no longer able to discern truth from lies. She was tired of running, tired of being bullied by her fears. Today she stood still long enough to consider that maybe his mercy had been in the middle of her life.
It seemed as though everyone had left her, and the vices she used to numb her pain were no longer working.
Leaning back against the wall and closing her eyes, she tried to do something she hadn’t done in years, pray.
“God, I hope you can hear me, I know it’s been a long time and I don’t know what to do. I’m too tired to keep on living life this way. I ‘ve had a lot of pain and I’m not sure where to find you, I guess I was wondering if you would help me? I’m sorry I walked away from you. I’ve made a huge mess of my life and I can’t fix it.”
She sat in the quiet for a long moment, she remembered the voice of her grandmother whispering in her ear, “Ruby, you are his beloved, that means no matter what you do, God loves you. This life is just for a moment and His mercies are in the middle.”
It was like a breath of fresh air, she began to search for more of what she was taught, there among the dust she found the small bible she use to carry to Sunday school, reading the very small printed letters she realized she had allowed herself to settle for less instead of all God had for her. Today she was finding His Mercy in the middle of her shattered life, she could sense that God was bringing her to life again.
No matter what life has thrown at you, no matter what choices you have made, God is in the middle of it all, and he is reaching for you.
Do you need his mercy? Do you want his grace?
It’s here for you, take it. Don’t let the lies of the enemy continue to flood your mind. Grab a hold of God and let him walk you through the rest of your life, bringing you forgiveness and freedom.
“This life is like a breath; your days are like a passing shadow.” Psalm 144:4
“How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog, it’s here for a little while then it’s gone.” James 4:14
Look for His mercies in the middle of your pain.
Praying for you,