The Clock is ticking louder than usual. I’ve walked in and out of the kitchen several times aimlessly in search of… I can’t remember. The to-do list seems to be getting longer, the black pen gripped between my teeth is a sure sign of the kind of day I am about to embark on.
For the tenth time I’ve yelled, and it’s only 7:23 am. My thoughts are racing to all the thing I have yet to get done. If it weren’t for slow-moving humans, I’d be half way through my list. The knock at the door caused my shoulders to tense up. It was my sweet neighbor Mrs. Clark informing me that our golden retriever Toby, got out again and was proudly prancing around our neighborhood greeting anyone she could find with wet kisses.
I thanked her and proceeded out the door when she grabbed my hand and asked if she could pray for me. She has got to be the sweetest lady I know. “Mrs. Clark, thank you but I have to get the dog, I’m already late. I really do want to pray, I just can’t right now.” My hand slipped out of hers and she whispered “Okay dear, but it would sure help on days like this.” I acted like I didn’t hear her and proceeded to slowly jogged down the street calling out for my dog.
I could feel the guilt start to make its way through my thoughts. I rejected being prayed for, who does that?
I am having a hard morning, someone kindly wants to pray for me, and I decline?
At the corner of my eye I see Toby digging through the trash can at Sally Duncan’s house. “Toby, come here, bad dog.” She excitedly runs toward me. I reach to grab her red collar and walk her back to the trash can so I can pick up the food wrappers and reprimand her again. “Toby, bad dog, no running away, Of all the houses you have to come to.” I grit my teeth and lower my voice, that’s when I hear the high pitch sound of none other than Sally Duncan. I cringe as I try to put a smile on my face. Standing up I act as though all is well and I’m just having a lovely walk with my dog.
“Oh I see you’re having one of those mornings.” She declared. “Uh well the dog got out and I’m running a little behind.” ( I tried to act calm) “Well did you spend time with the lord today?” The sound of her voice felt condescending and prideful. “The morning’s not over Sally,” I snapped back as I quickly shuffled my feet toward home struggle to get Toby to follow.
My thoughts raced. Why are people like that?
Why are you so defensive? the small voice in my head whispered…
I arrived at my driveway to see my four children sitting nicely in the van. My six-year-old waved at me through the window. Her sad eyes gazed at me almost as though she was feeling sorry for me. I settled the dog, grabbed my keys and headed out. “Everybody got everything?” I spouted out as I opened the van door. ” Yes mom.”( their voice almost in unison) I strapped myself in and headed down the road.
One by one I dropped them off giving them last-minute instructions with quick hugs and kisses. I Pulled into the roundabout at my daughters school. She was the last to drop off. She said “Mommy I love you, and I asked Jesus to help you be happy today.” She kissed me and seemed to hug me tighter and jumped out of the van. The tears welled up in my eyes as I drove away, Is it that obvious? my thoughts scrambled.
No one knows what I go through, No one has a clue how hard things are. I could feel my emotions raising up in my chest like a stampede trampling on my heart. I don’t want to do this, the tears were now streaming down my face. Three minutes later I had to pull the van over, my hands gripping the steering wheel, I began to sob loud and hard.
My emotions flooded my thoughts. “My husband is hardly home, the kids are always needing me and I hate laundry. I don’t want to make another meal, I don’t want to make another list of things to do and I DONT WANT to run after the dumb dog, I just don’t want to!”
I felt like a child having a temper tantrum.
Do you have those days when it just seems like too much?
That was me. I put so much expectation on myself that eventually I was spinning out of control. There I was In the van on the side of the road, blubbering like a baby. There God came reaching his arms around me, I felt him hold me through my tears. The gentle reminder of Colossians 3:14 slowly passed through my thoughts “Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.”
There was nothing harmonious about my life that morning. I sounded more like a brass band clanging sounds of chaos.
“Lord I’m sorry,” my heart laid bare in repentance. I wished I had allowed Mrs. Clark to pray for me. I regret the judgment I made of Sally Duncan and my sweet children that I love dearly showed grace when I needed it most.
“Love binds us together in perfect harmony.”
I wasn’t allowing God’s love to lead me. I was bent on getting it all done at any cost. Because somehow that’s where my worth laid. I was a great mom if my kids were always cleaned and on time to wherever. I was a good wife if I didn’t expect anything from my husband because he worked. I was a nice neighbor if my dog behaved. I picked my world up and thought it was my job to make it all work out. I was so wrong.
That morning after I returned home, I tucked my list away, sat out on my porch and Invited Mrs. Clark and Sally Duncan over. I want to live in perfect harmony But I needed to make a choice to “LET GO” and let God’s love flow.
When I did it was a beautiful thing.
Praying for you today,