It’s Personal

shoes

I stepped onto the black belt as my feet shuffled one in front of the other. My emotions were high, and my thoughts were racing. I am angry, I mean really angry. I pick up speed and I feel this  deep sadness. The pace gets faster, my heart beats harder and the tears come. My teeth grip down and I start to run.

Six months ago one of my dearest friends Malia Kennedy, started her studies and training to become a fitness coach, personal trainer, and nutritionist. She called me and asked if I’d help her. I was excited to. I  wondered how that would work since she lives in Hawaii and I live in Colorado.

My  journey Began in a simple conversation we had. She asked me some  questions and helped me set some goals. I  thought to myself, this is going to be fun.

But in that first week, to my surprise I felt a deep struggle. I didn’t know why but the excuses found their way into my thoughts.  Maybe I can’t do this, maybe it’s not time, maybe I’ll help with all the paper work  and it will go by fast.

There was a real struggle and I wanted to give up. (wimp, was the phrase that crossed my mind).

I was thumbing through my list of excuses. I must have been talking a mile a minute when she gently asked me if I had prayed about it.

Prayed about it?

I questioned.  Uh no I haven’t.

Malia has this gentle way of speaking yet it’s firm and unwavering. I was embarrassed to answer but it was the truth. I gave God permission to heal my brokeness, to heal my marriage, and to have his way in the lives of my children. But not my body or my health? I didn’t think he was concerned about that.

I mean I know he is concerned with everything about me and he wants the best for me, but this was off-limits to him. The truth was surfacing and I was stepping into uncharted waters. yikes!

I began to ask myself some hard questions that forced me to do some soul-searching. Why have I gained 70 pounds? Why do I commit every year to lose weight and why do I always fail?

Malia’s training came from teachers and books. But her heart was learning to listen and trust God as she began to move in her calling and I was to benefit.

She connected with me via google hangout and worked out with me. She sent me recaps of our conversations and listened carefully as I talked and gave excuses.

Week after week she reminded me of my goals. She sent me recipes of new foods I could try.  She prayed for me. She encouraged me when things got tough and talked me through it.

I prayed hard and worked hard, and I met my goals and then it was time to set new ones.

As my journey continued, the climb got harder, it was no longer about my weight, but about the girl inside.

It was time to fess up to what I had been doing to myself for years. It was time to come out from hiding behind a bigger self with my basket full of  excuses and the poison I have been giving my body in the form of food.

I realized this was bigger than me.

I was in all the way and Malia was not going to let me quit.

One week in particular I was feeling these negative emotions. The enemy was pressing in hard. His cruel voice spoke sharp his intent was to tear me down. “Nothing has changed. You look the same. You are a loser and a failure and you will always be fat! You will never be attractive and no one will ever want you.”

Those were the familiar words he spoke to my heart for years and over time I spoke them to myself.

But not today I took a deep breath and let everything out. I ran on that treadmill with tears streaming down my face. I was angry. Angry about the abuse, the pain, and the hurt that was put on me.  I was angry with myself for believing the lies the enemy had told me for years. I imaged for a moment the enemy being under my foot, as I ran I saw myself crush and silence his voice.

By the power of the living God I was no longer going to feel ashamed of the one body God gave me.

I was no longer going to allow the enemy or my choices to hold me captive.

No longer was I going to allow the deep pain of myself to be covered up by a pseudo reality as I continue to live blindly while I blame everything else for the choices I was making.

I felt all the emotions of that little girl and I was ready to deal with her pain. Everything she had wanted to say was being said. The chaos of her pain echoed through my body and I continued to run to God’s peace.

It was time to surrender and set her free. It was time to embrace what God was wanting to do in me. I could hear the Lord’s voice calling me to continue to run to him.

I imagined that day my little girl self running into the arms of Jesus.

I have begun taking control over what I put into my mouth. I take full responsibility for making my body move. The summer is almost here. I run out in the open space on days when it’s  warm and I am free. Because today I was faced with my reality, the choice was mine. God gave me his power and strength and I learned to walk in complete freedom.

1 Corinthians 6:12 (NLT)

You say, “I am allowed to do anything”  (but not everything is good for you.) And even though “I am allowed to do anything,” I must not become a slave to anything.

Father God,

You came to set the captives free. Help us to realize we no longer have to hide behind the veils of addictions and lies. Help us to embrace your power. The same power that rose Jesus from the dead lives in us. We claim your promises and we find our freedom in you and you alone. In your Holy name I pray, Amen.

John 8:36 (NLT)

“So If  the son sets you  free, you are truly free.”

His Power Is Alive,

~ Jamie

©copyright 2015

 

 

 

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